Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
