Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again