so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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