I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
