I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize