Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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