its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
