That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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