I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
