So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i already hear my dad disowning me
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
