My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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