can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
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I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
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Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed