Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one