Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We are all done wearing pants today
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
