Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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