My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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