I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
My vagina is very pro this idea
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
