Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
