I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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