i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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