my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
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I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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