I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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