He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
