Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
