fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
