In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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