If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Dicks are not precious.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
