Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
