sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
