So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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