By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
