no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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