I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
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I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
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maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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