I am puke
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
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my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
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Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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