Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
