I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
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I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
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Being responsible doesn't make memories.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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