I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
