im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
