At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
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She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
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Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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