My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
