Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
