Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
