So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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