What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
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I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
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Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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