i already hear my dad disowning me
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
