Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
