Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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