if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
your like the ambassador to my penis.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize