sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
