I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
